You're my little dorito
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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