I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
