Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think i have two assholes
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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