We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
