yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.