Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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