just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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