where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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