Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
