Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
