Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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