...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
