No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
