The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
