I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
