I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
