I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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