he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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