"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have demons in me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
