i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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