FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
