you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
