I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
