are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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