Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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