I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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