i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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