Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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