I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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