So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
