I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
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