I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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