I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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