I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
