How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
