I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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