Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
