I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.