Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.