the condom got lost in my hair
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
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this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.