Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
