FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
