I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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