Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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