I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
