I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
