Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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