Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
