2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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