i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
