I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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