Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
