apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
