So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
