I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
