Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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