Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
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In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders