Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
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I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.