i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize