hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
