I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just want nice things and good sex
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You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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