I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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