i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
