Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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