WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
