so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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