I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I love how my cats smell like pot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
