My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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