Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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